Man.. I haven't been on devientART in so long... I think I owe you all an explanation. Read at your own risk.
Last year I was having a really really hard time, in fact this started before last year, but 2015 was the hardest. I had lost my inspiration. I had no will to create anything... forcing myself to just made me feel worse. At my core is the artist, so not being able to create like I used to almost left like something died inside of me. Not only could I not create, I was stressed by several factors in my life. I won a scholarship for college, but in order to keep it I had to go full time at the college, something I was afraid to do because I have such a hard time with school and can get overwhelmed easily. I managed to do one semester just fine with 4 classes, but I was eager for a break afterwards, one I didn't get because I was told I had to also take summer classes... something I wasn't told before... so I took on summer 1 and summer 2 with little preparation, then right after that I went on a trip with my mom for 10 days.. the time we went had to be changed for my sister to come so this meant I would miss the first week of the fall semester. During this time I was going through family issues... my mom's spending habits... my dad threatening to leave.. and him putting me in the middle of it. My sister making mom pay for her to come on the trip even though mom has no money(my plan ticket was being paid for by my grandma) pissed me off so much... And from the time I started my job(end of 2014) I fell for someone... someone who doesn't see me the same way, and I was too damn afraid of to talk to about my feelings. all this was building up by the end of August 2015, even though I had a good time on the trip with my mom and my sister. But the fall semester had started without me so I showed up to classes a week late.. which isn't terrible... I went to each class trying to figure out where we were in the lessons, after each class I was feeling worse and worse... like a whole inside of me was getting deeper. I remember sitting in my art class... a class I was looking forward to and not knowing what to do... i felt terrible. I felt like crying. Before that I had the math class... an easy math class... but I was so lost and everyone seemed to be getting it, I felt so stupid I cried after that one... then I tried school for the next week or so... but after every class I cried in the bathroom.. so much so I couldn't make it into the next class.. so I skipped some. I couldn't go in like that. When I was at home I cried every night... It was only at work where I found some sort of piece because I love the people I work with. But even there brought me down. I couldn't do my school work, couldn't even touch home work.. couldn't face my teachers. i came to the conclusion it would be better if I withdrew than failed the classes, so I told my mom i need to do that. of course she was disappointed(which didnt help me feel any better), but she helped me withdraw. So I withdrew from my classes and I can't go back until I pay off the scholarship and I probably wont get another one. But I knew there would be consequences to doing that... but I needed a break. In my psychology class said you have to eliminate stressers in your life if they're making you miserable. School was just one, but taking a break was the right choice. I do feel a lot better. I plan on going back after I pay off the scholarship, I'm not quitting, I just needed to get back to me.
Because I couldn't drawing i couldn't get any commissions I was doing done... I got scared and faded away from all art sites I was apart of... faded away from the people who were expecting something from me. I couldn't talk to them I couldn't talk to anyone except for a few friends. I felt to guilty I couldn't look at dA anymore. I had the same feeling for the college campus and my art teacher... afraid to see her again. I apologize to anyone who had a commission waiting from me... I can't do any commission work at the moment, I need to create for myself. I can't pile up stuff I'm not inspired for or I wont get it done.. not now. I did do one commission, but it was for a lady at work and she gave me plenty of time to get it done.. and it was just a landscape done with paint, which is easier to get done, even though I rarely draw/paint landscapes.
I still have issues to get through. issues with my family. One sister barely talks to me anymore and i'm not sure why, the other is moving far away, and my parents still have the same issues that I get caught in the middle. i still have a big crush on that same someone and i have no idea what i'm supposed to do about it.. i've never cared for someone like that before, and I don't want to force it on someone who's not interested... But, since I started working at my job I've actually made friends in person. Friends who actually want to be with me and care about me. Something I haven't had before.. I had close good friends I made through this site.. but they are all foreign.. so I was always stuck at home. Now I can go out and be with people I want to be with and they want to be with me and I don't feel judged. I can be me, something I can't always do around family.
So yeah, I'm still having issues... even last Saturday and Sunday I cried myself to sleep feeling like i'm a step behind everyone else because i'll be 24 this year... and I still have issues with the guy I like... But I'm drawing again.. I'm actually finishing drawings. As an artist this makes me feel much better than i did the last portion of 2015.
Sorry I wrote so much, but I needed to get that out. i'm going to try and be more active here. It saddens me that I missed a lot of other people's art work, but I had over several thousand deviations to go so I had to delete them to start anew. And I hate not responding to comments and replies, but there were too many to go through. But from this point on I'll keep up to date on my fellow deviants, this is apart of my new years resolution. thanks for sticking around.
May God bless